A loud clap of thunder shook the cabin again, startling Brenda and causing her to shriek softly. Jax had been having difficulty drifting off to sleep himself, and at the sound of her voice, he rolled over. When saw her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs, it was more than he could stand.

Jax could never stand to see a woman cry. While they lived together, every time they had a fight and Brenda started crying, Jax had always told her she was using her secret weapon on him and given in. And right now, Brenda was crying like there was no tomorrow – which, for all he knew, could very well have been true.

The lightning lit the small cabin again and Jax knew a large thunder clap was bound to follow. Moving more quickly than the lightning itself, Jax put his hand to Brenda’s shoulders and just as the rafters shook with the sound of Mother Nature’s fury, he pulled her into his arms and held her tightly.

To his amazement, Brenda accepted his comforting presence. She rolled quickly to her right side and buried her head in his shoulder. As her tears began to make his chest almost as wet as it was when he took his shower, he wrapped his arms more tightly around her and nuzzled her hair with his face.

{Lavender. Her hair always used to smell of lavender right after she took a shower.} With no lavender available, Jax almost snickered at the scent of Holiday Inn’s finest bar soap. Brenda snuggled closer to him, still sobbing uncontrollably. As Jax began to move his open mouth down across her temple, trying to quiet her, Brenda tipped her face up towards his.

Jax looked down into her eyes, which swam with large tears. He placed a soft kiss on her cheek, and then smacked his lips softly. "Salty." He brought his right hand up to wipe some of the tears from her face with his thumb.

"Jax…." He barely heard the word as Brenda sighed his name. She took a breath, her chest still heaving with the force of her crying. She hiccuped quietly, and her sad eyes, so full of emotions never explored, were his downfall.

He cupped his right hand to her face as his left arm was still trapped beneath her. "Brenda," he whispered tenderly, right before his lips closed over hers. She whimpered into his mouth as her left arm snaked up around his neck to pull him closer.

Kissing her again was like dying, and yet coming home at the same time. Her lips were softer than anything that Jax had ever felt before in his life. He remembered that from the first time he had kissed her. It took very little persuasion on his part before she opened her lips to his exploring tongue. As Jax momentarily broke the kiss, Brenda pulled his head back down to hers and his tongue flicked her teeth before it plunged deeply into the fevered recesses of her mouth.

Brenda never recalled exactly when Jax pulled the T-shirt from her body or whipped his own T-shirt off. All she knew was that suddenly, they were skin to skin. The feel of his hard chest pressing against her breasts made memories of prior lovemaking flood back to her. For his part, when Jax felt the softness of her bare breasts, he nearly lost what little control he had of the situation. He knew he had to set the pace, or else this would be over much too quickly for either one of their tastes.

Never stopping the kiss, Jax moved his right hand down from her cheek to stroke her neck with the backs of his fingers. His hand continued on its quest southward until it found the softness he had been craving ever since he found Brenda nude in Rashid’s bed. As his hand closed over her breast, Brenda pulled from the kiss and threw her head back, moaning Jax’s name.

He seized the opportunity to trail his lips down her neck towards the breast that she was arching up towards him in invitation. When his lips began to explore it, Brenda sighed in pleasure, running the fingers of her left hand through his still-damp hair.

Jax transferred his attentions to her other breast, loving it with equal fervor. When he raised his eyes to meet hers, he was surprised to see tears there still. "Brenda? Am I hurting you?"

She met his gaze as she struggled to catch her breath. "Only your teasing hurts me, Jax. Please…..no more," she begged, as he zeroed in to lick the perspiration from her neck. Her fingers raked his scalp. "Jax, please – I just need you. Now."

"You never used to want it fast though, did you, love?" Jax’s eyes were glittering in the dark as his right hand slipped between them to push her panties down her thighs. As his fingers lingered behind, seeking the center of her and leaving the softest of caresses there, Jax continued to whisper erotically in her ear. "You liked it slow…..and delicious……" His fingers made her cry out at the almost-painful pleasure. "…..like that, didn’t you?"

"Not tonight, Jax," Brenda moaned as another bolt of lightning lit the cabin. Jax saw that her hair was as damp now with perspiration as it had been when she washed it. He saw the raw need in her eyes, and he knew she saw the same thing in his. "Just love me….please."

Jax reached down to rid himself of his briefs and then pulled her to him as he answered her plea. "You’re right, love, not tonight." He moved to join her and she groaned at the rightness of it. "Tonight, there’s only us, and only this."

The storm outside rivaled the storm inside the cabin, and the lightning came out the loser. As bolts of white-hot heat streaked across the sky, the lovers made their own heat in the confines of the sleeping bag. When Jax and Brenda finally reached the crescendo of their lovemaking, their cries of ecstasy contended with the thunder for volume.

Jax stroked Brenda’s wet hair lovingly in the aftermath. Brenda turned her face up to his, her eyes full of questions. "Not now, Brenda. Just sleep." Brenda hesitated, but then nodded, and rested her head on his chest. The reassuring sound of his heartbeat combined with the patter of the rain on the roof of the cabin lulled Brenda to sleep in his arms.

^*^*^*^

The smell of perking coffee pulled Brenda reluctantly into consciousness. As she stretched her arms, she felt a wonderful familiar ache in muscles that hadn’t felt that way in a long time. She smiled, her eyes still closed, and wrapped her arms around her still-nude body contentedly.

{Mmmmm…..Jax is already up and making the coffee. Maybe he went down to that little pastry shop I love so much for croissants. We can feed each other in bed, and go for a run on the beach, and make love on the sand….}

"Brenda! Brenda, time to wake up."

Brenda hesitantly opened one eye to the sight of Jax, crouching beside her, holding a rusty tin cup coffee in one hand. "I thought you might like some coffee this morning. It might be the last chance you have for some for a few days."

Brenda opened both eyes, looked around, and ran her fingers through her riotous hair with a sigh. She remembered. They weren’t still in Malibu, and it wasn’t a year and a half ago. They were in Drakar, and this was no dream – it was a nightmare.

"Thanks." She accepted the coffee with both hands and Jax rose to his feet and went back to the pot-bellied stove to pour himself a cup. As Brenda tried to sit up to drink it, the sleeping bag slipped down and she was abruptly reminded that she had slept without her T-shirt.

Jax heard her making rustling sounds behind him in the sleeping bag, and it took all of his strength not to turn around and look at her one more time. He had always told her she had the most beautiful breasts in the world, and after last night, he knew he hadn’t been lying. Even this morning, he could remember the color of her nipples as he had circled them ….

Jax was pulled harshly from his memories as he burned a finger that had been lingering too long on the coffee pot. He swore aloud and put it to his lips, sucking it gently to relieve the sting. He was still shaking it when he heard Brenda’s voice behind him. "You OK?"

{No, I’m not OK. I haven’t been OK since that day when I called you and you told me about the baby.} Jax mentally braced himself and turned around to face Brenda. "Yeah. I just burned my finger on the coffee pot. Happens all the time." Jax took a sip of his own coffee. "You sleep OK?"

{You know I always sleep like a rock after we make love. I haven’t slept like that since ….. for over a year.} Brenda blinked and nodded cheerfully. "Yeah. Must be all the fresh air. I slept great."

Jax walked slowly over to crouch next to Brenda, who had donned his "Greenpeace" T-shirt again. "Brenda," he began in a halting voice, "last night…..well, I wasn’t exactly planning on that happening when I packed for this trip..…" He looked up at her for help, but she was letting him stumble his way through, letting him suffer. "Anyway, last night, we didn’t….. I mean, I didn’t exactly use any kind of …..protection," he finally managed to get out. He looked up at her with a pained expression. "I mean, I know you said you hadn’t *been* with Fathead, but I didn’t know….I mean, I imagine you were planning on having kids with him……"

Brenda let a few seconds go by before she answered in a monotone. "It’s OK, Jax. I’ve got an IUD." She ran her finger around the rim of her coffee cup, finding looking him in the eye and discussing children difficult. "Rashid and I really never talked about whether or not we wanted children."

Jax let out a sigh of relief. The last complication he wanted at this point was an unplanned pregnancy that could have resulted from their impulsive actions the night before. He looked into Brenda’s eyes, and just as she took a breath to say something, they both jumped when they heard the low rumble of an explosion far in the distance.

"Sounds like the rebels are getting some licks in back at the palace again," Jax said, rising to his feet briskly. "You’d better make your pit stop at the outhouse and get cleaned up so we can be on our way. If Fathead’s troops start chasing the rebels, I don’t want us to be here if any of them decide to use this place as a hideout."

Brenda nodded her head, and fumbled in the sleeping bag for her panties as Jax went back to the stove and started cleaning up the remnants of the coffee pot. He vaguely heard Brenda mumble something about being back in a minute and the door slam before he turned back to the door with tears in his eyes.

It seemed like that was the story of their lives together – slammed doors and missing each other by minutes. Jax could still remember how still the house sounded when he came barreling through the doors that morning. He had dropped his duffel bag in the entrance way and took the stairs two at a time, figuring that she was probably still in bed. But the bed was crisply made, and the open closet doors and empty hangers were his first clue that something had gone drastically wrong.

Jax could still remember the way the housekeeper ranted at him for the mess he made in the bedroom. He had pulled every drawer from the chest, searching for some sign that she hadn’t left him. When he found nothing of hers in the chest or the closet, he ran into the bathroom, frantic for some clue as to what had changed. Her shampoo, her deodorant, her toothbrush – they were all gone.

He had made his way slowly down the stairs, and then when he got to the bottom, his face brightened with new resolve. He ran through the house, vainly looking for some kind of a note. Anything that might explain why she had chosen to leave him. But he soon found himself at the base of the stairs again, and he sank to the ground there and ran his fingers through his hair, burying his face in his hands.

What had she expected him to do? He told her as soon as he knew how much he loved her that he was an agent for the WSB. He told her that the Bureau discouraged emotional involvement, but that he thought he could handle it if she could. He knew she hated it when he had to leave on missions, and he had successfully lobbied Robert Scorpio to only give him top priority assignments. He knew it hurt her that he could never confide in her – where he was going, or what he was doing. But he had explained that if they wanted to continue their relationship, it had to be that way, and she had accepted it.

Then, the whole issue with the pregnancy exploded in their faces. He couldn’t tell Robert "no" to this mission. A particularly slimy despot in the Middle East had taken an entire convent and orphanage hostage, demanding that the United States resume trade relations with him. The State Department had kept the story a massive secret since the identity of the hostages was so volatile. Jax had led an elite crew of agents into the country to free the hostages.

He had called Brenda the night after they had liberated the hostages. As soon as he had heard the pain in Brenda’s voice, he had placed a call to Robert and explained that the mission had been accomplished and he wanted to be released of his command and return to the United States immediately. But Robert had insisted that the despot needed to be neutralized, and Jax realized that if he wasn’t, the same thing would only happen again, requiring another mission to solve the same problem.

Jax agreed to stay long enough to reduce the despot’s army to blithering idiots, and it hadn’t taken long. WSB operatives could be very persuasive when they wanted to, and Jax had a strong motivation to get the despot’s guards to change their mind about their loyalties. When he had left the Middle East, his crew was still rounding up some of the last straggling loyalists but the mission had essentially been accomplished.

Jax had waited until the following morning, staring at the ceiling all night long. When he still had no word from Brenda, he began making calls. He called her best friend, Lois Cerullo Ashton, but Lois hadn’t seen or heard from Brenda. He talked to Lois’ husband, Ned, but he got the same response. He wracked his brain for the names of some of the young people Brenda had mentioned as friends at UCLA, but none of them had offered any insights to her whereabouts.

Jax even humbled himself to call the office she occupied at Barrett Industries, but he really didn’t expect to find her there. Harlan Barrett had set aside the office for her in hopes that she would find her niche at the family business instead of "taking mushy pictures of starving orphans." She had an impressive view and her own secretary, but most of the work her father shoveled in her direction left Brenda feeling frustrated and unfulfilled. Jax got his first lead when her secretary mentioned that she had left a few days ago rather abruptly, but the secretary hadn’t seen her since.

Jax briefly considered calling Robert Scorpio to put a trace out on her, but in the end, he decided to look for her himself. He got in his car and cruised Malibu for the better part of the day, going to all of the places they loved to go together. He even braved the crowds on Rodeo Drive, thinking that Brenda might have gone shopping if she were depressed enough. When he came back to the house, it was dark. He rambled out onto the beach, hoping to see her in the moonlight, rising from the water like some kind of goddess of the sea. Once again, he slept with her pillow for comfort.

Finally, Jax decided he had no choice but to swallow his pride and call the one person who probably knew where she was -- her father. Harlan Barrett and Jasper Jacks had never gotten along, right from the very first time they met. John Jacks had brought his handsome, renegade son to a cocktail reception that Harlan had given. The attraction between Jax and Brenda had been immediate and powerful. The animosity between Harlan and Jax had been just as potent.

Harlan Barrett had succeeded at many things in life, except for the one he wanted most -- having a son to take over the business when he chose to step down. He had hoped Brenda would someday succeed him at the helm of Barrett Industries, but she had never developed the business acumen that her father deemed necessary to make the company grow. Harlan began hoping for the next best thing -- that Brenda would marry a man who would follow in his footsteps. And Jasper Jacks was definitely not the son-in-law material that Harlan had hoped for. From everything John Jacks had told him, Jax refused to participate in his father’s business, preferring to live the life of a dissolute playboy and occasional corporate raider. But Jax’s heart was never in the business, and in Harlan’s eyes, it made his entire relationship with Brenda superfluous.

As soon as Jax identified himself to Harlan’s secretary, he could hear the frostiness in her voice. Jax didn’t even bother with a salutation when Harlan finally came on the line. "Where is she?"

Harlan’s voice was just as cold. "Good afternoon to you, too, Mr. Jacks. Where is who?"

"Don’t play games with me, Harlan. Brenda’s not here and all of her things are gone. Nobody’s seen her for days. What have you done with her?"

"Calm down, Jax. There’s been no foul play. Brenda is fine."

Jax was seething. "Then tell me where she is, d*mnit. We’ve got things to talk about."

"I really don’t think she wants to talk to you right now, Jax." Harlan was deliberately obscure. "Brenda needs time to recover from what she’s been through."

"You mean.....losing the baby?" Jax’s voice broke.

"I mean she needs time to get over everything *you* put her through, Jax," Harlan replied. "Brenda will be fine. She’s finally come to her senses and done what’s best."

"Best for who?" Jax snorted angrily. "Not best for *us*, and certainly not best for her!"

"Actually, Jax, for the first time in her life, Brenda’s done what was best for someone else." Harlan took a deep breath. "She did what was best for the baby."

"What do you mean?" Jax gripped the phone so tightly that his hand hurt. "What about the baby?"

Harlan sighed. "After you left on your latest little *escapade*, Brenda realized that you would always put gadding around the world, doing whatever it is you do, first. Neither she nor your baby would ever have your complete devotion. And Brenda’s not emotionally mature enough to handle a responsibility like parenting by herself. Brenda did what she had to do, Jax. She had an abortion."

Jax didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he heard a buzzing in his ears and he recognized the fact that he was close to passing out. "You’re lying, Barrett. Brenda wanted that baby. She would never have done something like that without discussing it with me."

"Unlike you, Brenda is a smart woman, Jax. She knows that she would never make a good single parent. And she knew that you would never be around to be a full-time parent to the child. For once in her miserable life, she didn’t think about herself *or* you. She thought about the child, and did the one thing that made the most sense. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an urgent phone call coming in from Hong Kong. Good-bye, Jax."

Jax heard the click of the receiver in his ear, but he still held the receiver in his hand for several minutes after Harlan had hung up. {She couldn’t have! Brenda *loved* that baby. She knew how excited I was about it. She would have talked to me first…..}

As Jax slowly hung up the phone, the exhaustion and pressure of the past few weeks began to take a toll on him. Images of Brenda began to crowd his mind – her hesitancy at becoming a parent. The way she wanted to talk it over with him, and how he always put her off, insisting on going on the mission instead. As Jax made his way to the patio overlooking the ocean, he sat down in a wrought-iron chair and rubbed his eyes.

Memories came back to him. Brenda, lying in his arms, telling him how her father had always ignored her and belittled her and her dreams. How she never wanted any child of hers to have to go through something like that. How she was afraid sometimes that her father’s coldness had been genetically passed on to her. How sad she looked, every time Jax left on a mission.

Tears of regret and remorse turned into tears of anger. How could she have done something like that – taken the life of his child, without even telling him? He tried to recall her words to him on the telephone that night. But the only words he could remember were that she "couldn’t talk about it right now" and that the baby was "gone." He cursed himself for being so foolish and gullible. He thought she had lost the baby.

Steel walls began to go up around Jax’s heart as he sat in the chair until the first blush of the sunrise was visible. He would never open himself up to heartache like that again. He threw himself into his work until Robert Scorpio summoned him to his office one day. Jax was shocked when Robert suggested that he take some time off. Jax thought he had become the perfect operative, but Robert told him that his lack of emotions and cold, methodical personality had turned him into a machine.

Jax had gone back to Malibu and spent a lot of time watching the ocean and the sunset. He had finally called Robert and told him he couldn’t continue as an agent anymore. The lifestyle just wasn’t suited to him – at least at this point in his life. As much as he hated to admit it, those months that he spent as a cold, emotionless robot had almost driven Jax crazy. To his parents’ delight, Jax joined the corporate offices of J&J Jacks and began working more closely with his father.

"Jax?" Brenda’s voice pulled him out of his trip down memory lane. "Are you alright?"

Jax poured out the last of the coffee and wiped the pot out with a rag. "Yeah. I’m fine. Are you finished outside?"

"Yeah." Brenda walked over and put a hand on Jax’s arm. "Jax….if you’re uncomfortable with what happened last night, maybe we should talk about it…."

"Brenda, I really don’t think now is the time," Jax replied, pulling away from her to stuff their gear into his backpack. He heard her loud, displeased sigh and turned back to face her. "Last night probably shouldn’t have happened, Brenda," he said in a low voice. "We were both just tired, and you were probably scared by the storm…..anyway, all that I know is that I need to keep my focus if I’m going to get us out of this alive, and trying to get in touch with our inner selves isn’t going to help me do that."

Brenda’s face fell visibly, but she tried to put on a brave front. "Right. You’re right, Jax. Last night probably *was* a mistake." He nodded slowly, and then turned and carried his backpack out the door towards the horses. Brenda followed him to stand in the doorway, watching him get the horses ready to travel once again. "Believe me, Jasper Jacks," she muttered to herself acidly, "to get in touch with *your* inner self, it would take the mother of all long distance telephone calls."

About 20 minutes later, they were on the road again. The rain had left the air clean and crisp, and for a while, they rode in silence. Finally, Jax looked back at her. "So – is your father still holding out hopes of you joining the firm? Still keeping that little office for you with the secretary that doesn’t know what to do with herself all day long?"

Brenda shook her head. "No, I think he’s finally realized that I never intended for my future to be spent as an executive at Barrett Industries. I’ve had several offers from People Magazine to do some freelance stuff, though. Of course," she added, dropping her gaze in embarrassment, "I couldn’t make a firm commitment to them since I wasn’t sure exactly what I would be doing as Rashid’s wife."

"Ahhh, yes, how unfeeling of me to forget your intended," Jax replied sarcastically. "Obviously you couldn’t have spent much time doing photo-essays on poor starving orphans when you were off christening new munitions plants with Fathead all the time."

"Well, I guess if I had," Brenda replied in just as nasty of a tone, "I would have seen more of you than I did when we were together. After all, isn’t that what you were off doing most of the time – blowing up munitions plants and stuff? Playing super-spy?"

To Brenda’s surprise, Jax fell silent for a few minutes. "I don’t do that anymore, Brenda," he finally replied quietly. "I resigned from the Bureau a few months after you left me."

Brenda felt like someone had punched her in the stomach. "What? You’re not with the WSB anymore?"

Jax shook his head. "Nope. I’m working with dad and Jerry now for J&J Jacks." He gave her a wry smile as they rode, side by side. "I’ve become part of corporate America, Bren. I’ve got my own office, a secretary – and a subscription to the Wall Street Journal in my very own name."

Brenda was still speechless. {What made him leave the Bureau? That was the only thing he truly loved when we were together…..} She was about to ask him for more details when they both turned abruptly at the sound of pops of gunfire and then loud laughter not too far ahead of them on the trail.

She never got a chance to ask say a word. In the blink of an eye, Jax had grabbed the reins of her horse from her and jabbed his heels into the sides of his, pulling them both into the trees and off the path. They stopped after a few minutes’ ride and Jax jumped from his horse, running to Brenda’s and putting his hands up, motioning for her to jump down in the same fashion. He caught her as she slid from the horse, and then he grabbed her hand in one of his and took both sets of reins in the other and led them behind a large outcropping of rocks.

Brenda wasn’t sure if she heard the pounding of her own heart or the sound of muffled gunfire as they hid. Jax turned to her and put his finger to his lips. "You stay here with the horses while I go on ahead and check it out," he whispered. Brenda nodded but before she could say a word, he was silently creeping away from her.

It seemed like hours had passed and Jax hadn’t returned when Brenda decided to take matters into her own hands. What if they were Rashid’s men and they had captured him and were doing vile things to him, even as she sat her, twiddling her fingers? What if they were rebels and they mistook him for someone loyal to Rashid?

Not being able to stand the silence any longer, Brenda decided to do some checking on her own. She tied the reins of the horses to the branches of a small tree near the rocks, and then began making her way in the same direction she had seen Jax go. The sounds of male laughter grew louder, and when the smell of something cooking filled her nostrils and her stomach growled loudly, she was afraid someone might have heard.

{Hah! Jax thought he was such a hot-shot spy! I’m not doing that bad myse….} Just as Brenda was about to compare herself favorably to 007, she was yanked abruptly from the trail as a dirty hand closed over her mouth. An arm went around her waist from behind, picking her up off the ground. Her assailant carried her behind some bushes and pulled her to the ground.

Brenda was trying to scream every swear word she knew in both English and Drakarian when her captor leaned forward to whisper in her ear.

"Just what the bloody h*ll do you think you’re doing? Was it so awful last night that you’d prefer a whole bloody swarm of rebels raping you instead?"

To be continued……

Author’s Note: I have taken huge liberties with the original novel here as Ms. Miller doesn’t reveal the hero’s past until nearly the end of the book. But with the slower pace of fanfiction and readers not being able to understand Jax’s motivation, I thought it was better to reveal it now. J&B will eventually confront each other on the misunderstanding before they get out of Drakar, but not before they have more adventures in their escape.