At closer inspection, she could see holes in the tar paper that covered the windows, and Brenda caught her breath when she saw something that looked like a small rat come running out of the front door. "Smart critter," she said under her breath, suddenly not so sure that the evening’s accommodations would be such a welcome change from sleeping under the stars.

Brenda wrung her hands and looked back over her shoulder in the direction Jax had gone. There was still no sign of him, and she had never been on close speaking terms with small, furry creatures. Deciding to wait until Jax returned, she decided instead to explore the backpack that Jax had unloaded from her horse. They had been on the move so much since this adventure started that this was her first opportunity to see just what Jax considered survival equipment.

A small cry of happiness escaped her lips when she opened the pack and her hand closed around a brand new toothbrush. Digging deeper, she found an old "Greenpeace" T-shirt of Jax’s, a small pair of men’s sweatpants, some women’s panties – Brenda didn’t even want to consider how or where Jax had gotten them – and an extra hooded sweatshirt.

As Jax silently returned with the horses, he heard Brenda’s stifled shriek. "What’s the matter, Brenda?" he asked softly, and she turned to him with tears of glee in her eyes.

"Soap! You brought soap!" She held out several small bars of sample soaps that Jax had collected from various hotels.

Jax smiled and shook his head as a few locks of his blonde hair fell across his forehead. "Geez, duchess – I never knew a few bars of stolen soap would make you do the happy dance!" He brought the horses over to where she stood and crouched down to drive two stakes into the ground.

"Is there a stream near here? Can I run down and take a bath right now?" Brenda was like a child at Christmas who couldn’t wait to put the batteries into their new toy.

Jax glanced up at the skies from his crouched position. "I wouldn’t do that right now if I were you, Brenda," he replied, firmly tying the reins of the horses to the stakes. He rose to his feet and hooked his fingers in the pockets of his jeans. "It looks like the sky’s gonna open up any minute. In fact, I was kinda hoping that you’d be inside with a fire going by the time I got back."

Brenda clutched the soap to her chest, glancing over her shoulder at the cabin. "Jax – take one look at that place and tell me why you would ever think *I* would go in there alone."

"Ahhh, yes – Brenda Barrett, fearless photo-journalist – except when it comes to small, furry, four-legged creatures." He wiped his hands on his pants legs and then preceded her towards the steps of the cabin.

As Jax stepped on the first step, they both heard the distinct sounds of claws scurrying across the wooden floor inside. "Jax, maybe this isn’t such a good idea," Brenda said, cringing behind his back. She had just about finished her sentence when a large lightning bolt lit up the sky. When the thunder clap rolled in almost immediately behind it, Brenda plastered her body against Jax’s.

"Well, duchess – which will it be? The lightning and thunder or the four-legged monsters?"

Brenda sighed. "After yesterday, I’m beginning to think that two-legged creatures can be just as despicable as four-legged ones." Another lightning bolt zinged across the sky. "I’ll try the cabin," Brenda said, shrinking closer to Jax’s back.

"Smart lady." Jax pushed the door open and swung his arms vigorously to rid the doorway of cobwebs. Brenda gasped and hung back until he had the entrance cleared. As Jax made his way further inside, Brenda stayed in the doorway until she was sure he had rid the cabin of any other occupants.

A few minutes later, she heard a match strike and she saw a small log begin to glow. As the dim light began to illuminate the cabin, Brenda caught her breath. It appeared that no humans had occupied it in some time, but that hadn’t stopped mother nature’s yuckiest from using it as a home. As Brenda shrank back onto the porch, she looked to the side and spied a large tree limb. She ran over and grabbed it, coming back through the doorway a few minutes later. She swung it over her head inside the cabin ahead of her, trying desperately to rid their accommodations from anything that might fall from the ceiling during the night.

As Brenda worked, she occasionally lowered the branch to the floor and tried to sweep some of the leaves and assorted scum out the door. There was the sound of another match striking, and she looked over to see Jax crouching beside an old-fashioned pot-belly stove. He pushed a flaming log inside, and then rose to his feet. "I’m going back outside to get a few more logs. At least we’ll have the luxury of a hot meal tonight."

Brenda waited until he was outside. "Great -- *hot* beef jerky as opposed to the cold stuff," she quipped sarcastically. Jax didn’t reply but just rose and went out the door to the cabin, allowing it to hang to the side as he did.

The light from the stove and Jax’s original fire illuminated more of the cabin. It was really just one large room, with a pile of skins in one corner that apparently was intended to serve as a mattress. Brenda shuddered and she tried not to think about what animal might have provided them, or what insects were already calling them home. She swept the floor with a vengeance, but when Jax returned and she straightened up, she sighed as she realized that it still looked as dirty as before.

Jax stopped for a moment before bringing in an armload of wood. "I know it’s not much, but at least it’ll be a roof over our heads tonight when Mother Nature turns on the waterworks." A clap of thunder punctuated his statement.

Jax put the logs on the floor next to the stove and then turned and went back to where he had dropped his backpack. As he moved through the cabin with ease, Brenda put her hands on her hips. "You’ve used this cabin before, haven’t you?"

Jax nodded quietly as he rose and got some candles from a cabinet, lighting them and placing them around the cabin. "I was an operative here for a lot of years before we…..before….." Jax looked up into Brenda’s eyes and she saw pain there briefly, but it was gone in a flash. "…..before us," he finished abruptly.

Brenda watched as Jax returned to his backpack and pulled out some small cans. "But if this cabin’s been here for that long, aren’t you worried that Rashid’s men might suspect you’ll head for it? Or some bandits might try to join us here?"

Jax pulled a small contraption from the backpack and began cranking open the cans. "Brenda, once it starts raining, any Drakarian with half a brain in his head will head for shelter for the night. Unless Rashid himself tries to come tracking us, nobody’s gonna bother us tonight." There was another crack of lightning. "Now, if you need to use the facilities for the night, I suggest you do so before the rain starts."

Brenda sighed. "I guess that a flush toilet and bidet are too much to hope for, huh?"

Jax chuckled. "I never promised you five-star accommodations, duchess." He nodded his head to the side. "The outhouse is ‘round back. I’d take that tree branch with you, just in case a few furry friends are ahead of you in line."

Brenda grimaced, but then grabbed her switch and resolutely marched out of the cabin with Jax shaking his head and laughing in her wake. It hadn’t started raining yet, but the air was heavy with humidity as Brenda made her way behind the cabin. The crude outhouse had apparently been designed by the same architect as the cabin – four walls, a crooked roof, and tar paper covering the windows. The only apparent difference was in the size of the structure and the fact that it had a distinct pitch towards the right.

Holding her breath and remembering just how badly she had to go, Brenda pushed the door open and waved the branch above her. When she was satisfied that there were no spiders lurking above her, she crept inside, only to feel a small furry object scurry across her foot. She put her fist to her mouth to stifle the scream, swung the branch at it, and then when she didn’t hear any more sounds of movement, she did her business quicker than she thought was humanly possible.

By the time Brenda returned to the cabin, large drops of rain were beginning to fall from the sky. She certainly wasn’t expecting the smell of hot food to make her stomach growl noisily. "That *almost* smells edible," she said sarcastically to Jax, who was standing at the small stove stirring the contents of several cans.

"More than we can say for any of *your* attempts at cooking," Jax replied bitterly.

Brenda looked around the cabin with disdain, finally pulling her partially-full backpack over to near the stove to use as a stool. "Funny – I never got the feeling that my expert culinary skills were the reason you wanted to live with me."

Jax turned to give Brenda a look that almost set her insides on fire. "Let’s not start that all again, OK, duchess?" He turned back to the stove. "Supper’s almost ready."

{Oh, no….the earth would probably stop revolving in shock if we would ever actually *talk* about the past. No – talking things out was never your strong suit, Jax. You just turned away – just like you’re doing now.} Brenda bit her tongue to keep the words from flowing out, but then Jax turned and handed her a can wrapped in a rag. "What *is* it?"

"Stew – or at least that’s what it says it’s supposed to be," Jax replied. He dug deep in his own backpack and pulled out an institutional steel fork for each of them. "Dig in. We may not get a feast like this again for a few days."

Brenda sniffed at her own stew suspiciously. "Great." She dug her fork in and lifted some to her lips, tasting it as though it were poison. "Not bad." She ate the forkful and then dipped her fork back in to scoop up more.

Jax nodded, and the two consumed their meal of stew silently. Brenda had finished eating when she looked up and noticed that Jax had apparently found a crude bucket in the cabin. She rose from her perch on the backpack and went over to where it stood next to the stove. It was filled with water that Jax had brought from the stream.

Brenda shrieked happily. "Jax! I can use this water and heat it on the stove! With the soap you brought, I can have a bath and wash my hair!"

Jax nodded thoughtfully. "Yep. We can."

Brenda’s face fell. "What do you mean……we?"

"I mean, duchess, that it’s been just as long for me," Jax replied, flinging his empty can over in the corner of the cabin with a jaunty flip of the wrist. "In fact," he continued, rising from his backpack, "it’s been even *longer* since you had that refreshing little interlude with Fathead’s harem."

"I *asked* you to stop calling him that," Brenda said through grit teeth. She looked down at the water in the bucket. "But there’s not nearly enough water here for both of us." Jax was standing right next to her, hands on hips, in one of his more defiant poses. She leaned over to him, sniffed delicately, and then pulled back and frowned. "Of course, I can see where you’d want to wash up, too…."

Both of them were interrupted by a loud crash of thunder that shook the cabin and made loose dirt sift down from the roof. The pounding sound of the rain made Brenda’s face brighten. "That’s it! You can just get cleaned up outside in Mother Nature’s natural shower-stall!"

"OUT THERE?!" Jax was incredulous. "You actually expect me to go out there with the lightning and thunder – in the *cold* rain – and get cleaned up?"

Brenda shifted from one foot to the other and bit her lower lip. "Please?"

Jax took a breath, but then let it out slowly, grimacing the whole time. He shook his head. "I don’t know how you get me to do these things," he muttered as he turned away and went to his backpack, pulling out his own bar of soap. He strode briskly to the door, where he set the soap down, leaned over and began pulling his shoes off.

"All right, I’ll go out there and take Mother Nature’s version of a shower, but let’s get this clear. I’m *not* going to take my time, just so that your royal highness can have a leisurely bath," he said, deliberately pronouncing the last word with a broad "a". "So when I’m finished, I’m comin’ back in, ready or not!" By the time he finished his warning, Jax had removed his shoes, socks, and T-shirt.

Brenda gasped to herself as she realized that she was losing precious time. Not even worrying about whether or not he was watching her, she turned her back to him and began removing her own shoes and socks. She was pulling her T-shirt over her head when she heard the door slam.

She managed to get the water heated enough to be bearable by the time she had her sweatpants off. Brenda scrubbed her body vigorously, holding the soap in her hand and then splashing the water from the bucket over herself. Feeling fresh enough to call herself clean, she dunked her hair in the water and began scrubbing at her scalp. Although she cringed as she did, she rubbed the bar soap through her tresses and then dunked her head again.

Brenda could hear Jax stomping loudly outside on the porch of the cabin just as she finished shampooing. "Ready or not, duchess, here I come!" he yelled. She shrieked softly as she dove for her backpack and pulled out the worn environmentalist T-shirt. As she heard the latch on the door clicking, she yanked the T-shirt over her head quickly, praying that it would cover enough since there was no time to grab fresh panties. Brenda sighed with relief -- Jax was so much bigger than she was that it nearly reached to her knees. She tried to nonchalantly rub her hair dry with the Rashid’s sweat pants but she still jumped a little when she heard Jax slam the door again behind him as he re-entered the cabin.

Brenda didn’t dare look up at him, although more than once she was tempted. She heard him rummaging through his backpack as she kept her eyes down and began drying her legs with the same makeshift towel, carefully keeping them locked together. "Well, that was certainly refreshing. Do we feel all nice and fresh-as-a-daisy again now?"

"Well, I don’t know about you," Brenda began sassily, "but I’m d*mn sure I smell….." Just as she looked up at Jax, her breath caught in her throat. "…..better.." she squeaked, as she saw his change of clothes.

"Something wrong?" Jax came strolling over to where she sat by the stove, rubbing her hair dry. He had donned fresh underwear and a clean T-shirt of his own – and that’s all.

Brenda swallowed hard. "I just…..you….." She gestured lamely with her hand. "You….ummmm…."

"Yes?" He stood in the flickering candlelight of the cabin, thunder still rolling outside as rain hammered on the flimsy roof, his hands on his hips. He was the picture of male arrogance and raw sexuality in his old ripped T-shirt and extremely well-fitting briefs.

Brenda looked down at her legs, too embarrassed to meet his gaze, suddenly very aware of the fact that she wasn’t wearing panties. "When we were together, you always wore boxers," she finally said, all in one breath. That done, she raised her eyes to his again. She was surprised at his gentle smile.

"I know." He almost had a look of sheepish guilt. "These were all I had clean. I left in kind of a hurry, you know."

Brenda took a deep breath. {It figures. He comes to rescue me and all he has clean are burgundy briefs with white trim that are probably two sizes too small.} "You…uh….." As Jax sat down cross-legged opposite her on the floor, Brenda prayed that all of his body parts would stay where they were intended to be kept.

Jax raised his eyebrows in question. "Yes?"

Brenda tried to give him her best Like-you-think-I-care look. "I’m just …..surprised, that’s all." Jax returned an Oh-really look. "I mean…..you never used to wear that color. You seemed more partial to blue, as I recall."

Jax gave her one of his most beguiling smiles. "Well, they do say that variety is the spice of life, don’t they?" As Brenda tried to remember to take deep, even breaths in and out, Jax leaned over to his backpack and dug inside. When he straightened again, he held out his hand to her. "Cards?" An old, frayed deck of playing cards lay in the palm of his hand.

Brenda sighed in relief. "Yes! Why didn’t you tell me you had a deck with you before?" Taking Rashid’s sweatpants, she spread them on the floor opposite him and used them for a sit-upon. "What’re we playing?" she smiled as she settled herself.

Jax shuffled the cards and looked up at her, winking with devilment. "Strip rummy."

"Excuse me?" Brenda’s lack of panties suddenly made itself a high priority again. "Don’t *I* get a say in choice of game?"

Jax shrugged. "My cards – I get to pick the game." He still shuffled.

"But I……I mean, this T-shirt…..I didn’t have time to….." Brenda fumbled for words and felt a warm flush creeping up her neck.

Jax leaned forward, the white waistband of the briefs stretching as he did. "Then you’d better pray the cards fall your way, don’t you think?" Jax sat back, and then grinned at her lewdly again. "Unless you *want* to lose."

Brenda opened her mouth and took a breath, but Jax began dealing before she could lodge a complaint. She took the cards reluctantly and held them up before her. "Oh, Jax….I don’t know….maybe this was a bad idea….."

"Too bad, Brenda. Doesn’t that old saying go, "You’ve gotta play the hand you’re dealt," or something like that?" Jax picked up his own cards and grinned as he began re-arranging them.

"Really? Is that what it says?" Brenda gave Jax an innocent look – right before she slapped the cards down on the floor in front of him. "OK -- Gin."

Jax stared at the cards for a minute before a sly smile spread across his face. He placed his own cards on the floor and then slowly took his T-shirt by the hem to lift it over his head in defeat.

Brenda felt the flush creeping even higher on her face. {Maybe Jax forgot to put out the fire in the stove – is that why it’s so hot in here? It couldn’t have anything to do with how the firelight is dancing over his bare, broad, perfect chest. Or how the golden glow of the candles just barely lights the blonde hair that trails down past his navel. Or how the white waistband of those indecently-snug burgundy briefs contrasts against his bronzed skin.} As Brenda’s mouth was becoming dryer by the minute, she suddenly realized that Jax had dealt her another hand of cards.

Brenda’s hand trembled ever so slightly as she picked up the next hand of cards. She looked at them, looked up at Jax’s cheshire grin, and then suddenly slapped them back down on the ground. "You know – I think I changed my mind about playing cards," she chirped, jumping up from the floor and pacing, her hands at her waist.

"Really?" Jax rose his eyebrows.

"Yeah," Brenda tried to lie convincingly. "I guess that luxurious meal we had is making me sleepy. I think I just want to turn in and call it a night."

Jax nodded agreeably and rose to his feet. "What’s the matter, duchess?" He walked slowly over to where she stood, his bare feet slapping against the boards of the cabin floor. "Are you more afraid of losing……or winning?"

"Neither." {Stay cool, Brenda. Maybe he’ll believe you.} "I’m just really sleepy – that’s all."

Jax smiled, shrugged, and then went back to scoop his T-shirt off the floor. "Well, I have to admit this is a switch." He began to pull the sleeping bags from where they were rolled on the floor and zip them into one.

"What’s that supposed to mean – a switch?" Brenda gave Jax a skeptical look as he set up the sleeping accommodations.

"Well," he said, laying the bag down on the floor and climbing inside, "Isn’t that what you used to always accuse *me* of? Running away from a problem? Refusing to discuss it? Postponing the inevitable?" He pulled the T-shirt back over his head and rolled to his opposite side in the sleeping bag.

Brenda seized the opportunity while he wasn’t looking to grab some panties out of her backpack and pull them on. But by the time she sank to the floor and climbed into her side of the sleeping bag, she was fuming.

{Well, do you mean that you really *were* paying attention during all those fights we had? Are you admitting that you *do* run away from problems?} Brenda rolled on her side facing away from Jax, wrapping her arms around herself, trying to make the anger go away. But her distraction technique wasn’t working any better now than it was that night two years earlier.

^^^^^

Brenda had climbed the stairs to their bedroom slowly. She knew Jax was packing. She didn’t usually watch him pack, since she only got more upset being reminded that he was leaving on a mission. But her nerves were frayed so badly that she still found herself standing at the open bedroom door.

Jax felt her presence and looked up to meet her gaze. "Did you want something?"

"You not to go on this mission?" Brenda’s voice was hopeful yet sarcastic.

Jax grimaced and went back to his packing. "You know I have to go, Brenda," he said, continuing to stuff underwear in an old duffel bag. "You know I wouldn’t be going on this mission if it wasn’t important."

Brenda slowly ambled into the room. "Yeah – but they *all* seem to be important lately."

Jax looked up at her with a sigh. "Brenda, I told you when we got involved – an agent’s life isn’t an easy one. I wouldn’t sacrifice my commitment to the bureau for the sake of our relationship."

Brenda scuffed the toe of her slipper against the carpet. "I know," she said in a small voice, looking down at the floor.

Jax suddenly stopped packing and looked up at her. He walked over to where she stood, took her by the hands, and led her back to the bed to sit down next to her. "Is there something else you’re not telling me? Some special reason why you don’t want me to go on this particular mission?" He cupped the side of her face with his hand, forcing her to look into his eyes. "You know that I’ll be careful and come back to you, don’t you?"

"I know," Brenda said softly. "It’s not that."

"Then……" Jax continued to stroke the side of her face with his thumb.

Brenda took a deep breath. "It’s just that I…." Jax tipped her face up as she tried to lower it shyly. "…..I think I’m pregnant."

Jax swallowed hard – once. "And you’re upset about it?"

Brenda looked deeply into the eyes that could see straight to the bottom of her soul. "Are you?"

"Brenda, you *know* I’ve always told you I wanted kids," Jax replied with a smile, but then he sobered quickly. "Why? Don’t you want the baby?"

"I’m not really sure, Jax. I mean – I always thought I wanted kids," she shrugged, "but what if I turn out to be a terrible mother?" She looked up and Jax saw the tears forming in her eyes. "Harlan Barrett isn’t exactly a candidate for Father of the Year, you know. What if I turn out to be like him?"

Jax tried to catch her hands and hold them for reassurance. "Brenda, nobody knows what kind of parent they’ll be until the time comes. But you’re a loving and caring person, so I don’t really think you have anything to worry about." Jax moved to sit next to her on the bed. "Are you sure about being pregnant?"

"I took one of those home test things and it turned out positive, but I guess I should go to the doctor. I’m just so scared about what this will mean for us, Jax. I mean – look at us! You’re a spy and I work long hours for daddy – what kind of parents will we make?"

Jax cupped her face in his hands. "We’ll make *great* parents, Brenda." He sighed and glanced over at the duffel bag. "You come to me whenever you feel insecure and we’ll talk about it for as long as you want. I’ll even go to see the doctor with you if it makes you feel better." She began to smile a little. "So make an appointment for yourself in about two weeks – as soon as I get back from this mission."

Brenda’s face fell. "You can’t tell them you can’t go? You *still* intend to leave – even after I tell you how worried I am about being pregnant?"

"Sweetie, a pregnancy lasts nine long months. This mission is only going to take a week or two – tops. I promise. We’ll have plenty of time after I get back to talk about our future as parents and for me to go to the doctor with you." He leaned over to kiss her tenderly, and then stroked her cheek again as he pulled away. "I’m ecstatic with the news, Brenda – but it doesn’t change the fact that I have to go on this mission."

Their discussion had turned into a battle of silence after that. Jax had left the next morning, but not before taking her into his arms that night and making her forget where she ended and he began. He made love to her with all the finesse he possessed, taking her higher than she had ever been before. He told her he loved her and their baby – and then he slipped out the door the next morning before the sun came up.

About three days after Jax left, Brenda felt a sharp cramp while she was at work. By that evening, she was spotting heavily. At 11:30, she had called 9ll and as soon as the paramedics arrived, they took one look at her and loaded her into the ambulance, screeching off towards the hospital with sirens blaring. Around 1AM, the doctor confirmed what Brenda had feared for the past 12 hours – she had miscarried Jax’s baby.

Brenda went home from the hospital two days later with a prescription for pills to combat depression and a feeling of emptiness she couldn’t shake. All she could keep remembering was the excited look in Jax’s eyes when she told him about the baby. All she could think of was how she had failed him. Sometimes she was tempted to blame it on him – that this wouldn’t have happened if he had stayed with her. Brenda refused to leave the house, and firmly avoided the bottle of anti-depressants. Three days later, Jax called.

"Brenda – what’s wrong?" He could tell by the tone of her voice that something serious was afoot. She didn’t answer him, and he inhaled shakily. "Is it the baby?"

"Jax…." Her voice shook as tears started flowing anew. "….the baby….." He could hear her voice shaking. "…..the baby…..I couldn’t…..it’s gone, Jax….."

"Brenda…." Jax didn’t realize he was gripping the phone that tightly until he noticed how white his knuckles were.

"Jax," she interrupted. "I *really* can’t talk about this now." She rubbed the tears from her eyes. "I’m just so confused." She took an unsteady breath. "I don’t suppose you’ve rounded up all the bad guys already and you could come home early….." Her voice trailed off softly.

"Things are almost finished here," he replied quietly. He could hear her stony silence. "I promise I’ll be home just as soon as I can, Brenda. We’ll talk about it all then – I promise."

Brenda hung up the phone. One day turned into two. Two turned into three. Brenda started packing her clothes and the unopened bottle of anti-depressants. She left on the fourth day, just three hours before Jax called her from the airport. Two hours after that, he came bursting through the door calling her name, but silence and an empty house were his only answer.

^^^^^

The tears started rolling down her cheeks again and Brenda stuffed her fist into her mouth. She couldn’t let him hear her crying. Not now. Not in this godforsaken country in a deserted cabin in the middle of nowhere.

A loud clap of thunder shook the cabin again and Brenda tried to stifle her shriek. Jax rolled over immediately, saw her shoulders shaking with the force of her sobs, and gathered her into his arms.

To be continued……

Author’s note: This chapter was important because it gives us background on J&B from Brenda’s point of view. However, to completely understand their break-up and failure to reconcile, Jax’s point of view and further background information is also needed. That will be provided in the next chapter.