"Is he asleep yet?" Brenda asked as Lois came back into the living room of her small apartment. Brenda was sitting on the floor at Lois’s coffee table with her legs crossed. There was a large pizza in the middle of the coffee table, and two wine spritzer bottles that were nearly empty sat at each end of the table.

Lois smiled as stooped down to sit next to Brenda and grabbed her bottle. "Well, Anthony’s got a fresh diaper, he’s changed into my favorite Eddie Maine and the Idle Rich T-shirt, and right now he’s staring at the lava lamps with this kind of goofy expression on his face. I figure he’s about 10 minutes away from dreamland." She took a long swig of the wine and reached for another slice of pizza.

Brenda reached for her wine bottle. "Great. That will give us just about enough time for you to tell me what you think of the story I just told you." She played with the discarded pepperoni slices on her napkin and looked into Lois’s eyes, which she expected to flash with fire.

Lois took a bite, and then looked back thoughtfully at Brenda. "Well, let’s see – I guess the words that first come to mind are stubborn, blind, deluded…." She paused to take a drink of wine. "…and incredibly stupid. Yep, definitely stupid."

Brenda nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I would have to agree that Jax is pretty stupid."

Lois put her pizza down and looked daggers at Brenda. "No, Brenda, I wasn’t referring to Jax. I was referring to you." Brenda’s mouth dropped open but Lois continued. "You, girlfriend, are monumentally stupid."

Brenda’s mouth was still hanging open. "ME? After everything I’ve just told you about the lying, underhanded playboy that married me, all you’ve got to say is that I’M stupid?"

Lois clapped her hands sarcastically. "Well, give the girl a gold medal. She finally got it right." At Brenda’s continued look of astonishment Lois shook her head. "If you expected me to sit here tonight and help you think of names to call Jax, you’d better go get Anthony and check into a Motel 6, because you ain’t gonna hear me call Jax anything that even closely resembles a four-letter word."

"Lois! Haven’t you been listening?" Brenda continued to gasp.

Lois put her nail to her chin to look thoughtful. "Well, let’s see. I seem to recall hearing the part where Jax went to sleep in Dhofar and woke up connected to machines, half of his body crushed, not knowing whether he was gonna live for the next ten minutes. He had to live with the fact that all of his fellow officers were killed and for some reason, God decided to spare him and let him feel guilty for the rest of his life – however short that might be," she added. "Of course, Jax is the slime of the earth, so I guess he probably didn’t even stop to think about his fellow officers. He just was ready to party, even though he wasn’t sure if he would ever lift his little finger again."

"Lois," Brenda said softly, "Jax lived because your brother died. They switched bunks. Louie should be alive here today and he’s not because of Jax."

"Now you listen to me, Brenda," Lois said suddenly in a cold voice, "I loved my brother dearly, and even YOU will never know how much I miss him to this day. But it was NOT Jax’s fault that Louie died. Louie died because some Arabian crazies decided to explode a bomb outside his barracks. They could have exploded the bomb some other night and Louie might still have died. The other side of the building could have just as easily crashed down on Jax and killed him." She got into Brenda’s face. "Only GOD knows why Louie was killed that night, and I’m sure She had a good reason for why She took him to heaven and why She spared Jax. But it wasn’t Jax’s fault, got it?"

Lois leaned back and took a deep breath. "And," she added, "let us not forget that Jax didn’t exactly come away with a walk in the park out of all of this. He suffered a lot of pain and still has the scars to prove it." She looked at Brenda’s drooping face. "Don’t go making it sound like Jax didn’t suffer his share, Brenda. He went through his own version of hell thanks to those bombers."

Brenda took a long drink of wine. "But what about the letters? Don’t you understand that I feel violated? He shouldn’t have done that."

Lois shook her head as if to agree. "Nope. He probably shouldn’t have." Then the sarcasm crept into her voice again. "God knows that if Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt ever did anything like that in a movie, you would say "What a bum!" and shake your finger at the screen while all the other women in the movie are cryin’ their eyes out." Brenda again shook her head in disbelief, but Lois went on. "Yeah, he’s a real grade-A jerk, that Jax. And what did he use the letters for? To blackmail you? To be a peeping Tom or some kind of sicko and call you and breathe heavy? No, that rat uses them just to secretly grant your every wish and make every daydream you ever had come true."

Brenda got up from the table and went to the small kitchen of the apartment, but Lois followed her stubbornly. "And then what did our slimeball do? Did he use the letters to find out your desires so he could get in your pants easier? Did he find out all your favorite things so he could use them to seduce you quicker? Nooooo, Jax used them so he could MARRY you! A quick roll in the hay wasn’t enough for this dirtbag. He wanted to commit to you for the rest of his life."

Brenda put her dishes in the sink and turned to face Lois. "He doesn’t really love me, Lois. He just married me out of guilt. He feels responsible for Louie’s death and wants to take care of Anthony and me. That’s all."

Lois folded her arms and tapped her toe. "Right….isn’t that the most nauseating part? I mean, he could have just came to town, came to your door, introduced himself and offered his condolences, and then blown out of your life forever. I mean, with his kind of money, he could have even written you a check for a gazillion dollars and he would have felt a lot better."

Brenda looked down again as she felt another lecture coming on. "But noooo…that wouldn’t have been good enough for our resident creep. No, he just granted your every wish and treats you like a princess. And he’s a positively AWFUL father to Anthony. Why, the guy spends quality time with the kid, he takes him places, he includes him in his every waking moment, he thinks about him all the time. That DEFINITELY is not being a father to the kid. Why, if he wanted to act like a REAL father, he oughtta ignore the kid, and complain about how the kid gets in his way. I mean, at least he oughtta smack the kid on the butt a few times. Then at least he would be treating the kid like a lot of fathers do."

Brenda cringed at her words and swept past her back into the living room. Finally she turned around when she thought she had a fool-proof argument. "But what about how Jax manipulated your folks? Aren’t you mad that he tricked them into selling their house?"

Lois stood still for a moment and then nodded. "Yeah, ‘ya know it makes my blood boil to think about it. When I think how they didn’t have any red tape they had to deal with in sellin’ the house, and how they got more money than they ever dreamed of, it makes me want to puke. Just readin’ this postcard from Ma that says she’s havin’ the time of her life in Mount Rushmore makes me want to strangle that husband of yours."

Finally Brenda threw up her hands. "OK, OK, I give up. I can see I’m not going to get anywhere with you. You just don’t see it."

Lois came and took Brenda by the shoulders. "NO, Brenda, YOU’RE the one who doesn’t see it."

"Doesn’t see what?" Brenda asked innocently.

Lois dropped her hands and seemed to be choosing her words carefully. "Ya know, when I saw all those shows on Donahue and Geraldo about women who prefer pain to happiness, I thought it was all just some kind of joke. But now I know that it’s true, because that’s exactly what you’re doin’."

Brenda’s eyes flared. "Are you trying to say I’m kinky or something?"

Lois blushed. "Oh, no, Brenda, nothin’ like that." She went over and pulled Brenda down with her on the couch. "What I’m sayin’ is that you were hurt when you lost Louie. You loved once, and what did it get you? Pain. So now, when you get the chance to love again, you’re scared. You’re scared that it’s only gonna’ bring you pain again, so you run away from it." She took Brenda’s hands in hers. "Brenda, honey, you’re runnin’ away from what could be the best thing in your life."

Brenda pulled her hands out of Lois’s and stood up. "No, I’m not doing that Lois." She ran her hands through her hair and rubbed her scalp. "I should have known better than to come to you to talk about this. I should have known that you wouldn’t understand."

"I understand, Brenda," Lois said softly, "better than YOU do."

Brenda turned back to Lois and her eyes flared. "You know, I should have known you would take up for him. You had the hots for Jax ever since you saw him the first time. You would never think anything bad about the guy as long as he fills out the front of his jeans so well. Like they say in that ad, I guess size really DOES matter to you, huh?"

Lois inhaled, and then exhaled very slowly as her face froze. She stood up and walked over to where Brenda stood. "For the sake of my nephew, I’m gonna ignore that last comment of yours and figure it was just your anger talkin’. In fact, I think I’ve behaved rather remarkably well tonight. Otherwise, I might have come right out and told you what a selfish b*tch I think you’re actin’ like."

Brenda cringed at her words and Lois walked towards the bedroom. "Now, I’m gonna go sleep with my favorite nephew. I think even the drool that comes out of his mouth when he sleeps is more intelligent than the drivel that’s comin’ out of yours right now."

"Lois, please don’t go!" Tears started to gather in Brenda’s eyes. "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just so confused." She looked sadly at Lois. "Help me, Lo."

Lois stopped at the doorway of the bedroom. "Brenda, you always were a smart woman. You can figure this out yourself. Just remember – it’s OK to be scared to let someone in again. But to close yourself off from feelin’ – that’s no answer. You’re only hurtin’ yourself even more." With that, she went through the door and left Brenda standing alone and more confused than ever in her living room.

Brenda slowly returned to the coffee table and slunk down to sit on the floor. She took a slow drink out of the wine spritzer, and let the liquid tingle her throat on the way down. Was Lois right? Had she really closed herself off to feeling anything for anyone again because she was afraid that she would lose them, too?

Brenda shook her head to clear it. She had to try to remember why she had come here in the first place. It wasn’t about her. It was about Jax. {Correction, Cassanova. Your lying, deceitful husband.}

She thought back to what Lois had said about it not being Jax’s fault that Louie was dead. She hung her head as she realized that Lois was right. Fate had stepped in, just as fate had stepped in that day at the mall when Anthony went into the fountain and it brought them together. He had suffered, too. What did they call it? Survivor guilt? She remembered reading about it in a news article about a plane crash where only one small child survived and the rest of the passengers were killed.

And the letters? Lois was right about that, too. He hadn’t used them for any cruel purpose. He only used his knowledge of her fondest dreams to make them come true.

She rose from the floor and went to look out the window on the starry night. {So why am I still so mad? Why did I want to throw things when I got here? And why do I still feel that way?} She stopped to try to figure it out.

{So, who are you mad at? Jax? He wasn’t really that much at fault, except for keeping it from you for so long. Lois? She’s only showing you how wrong you are about your feelings about Jax.} Brenda went back to sit on the couch and wrapped her arms around herself. She finally leaned back against some of the pillows and her eyes drifted shut from exhaustion.

Somewhere between being asleep and awake, images began to flood her mind. Images of Jax making love to her. Images of the way Jax looked at her. Images of the way Jax behaved with Anthony. And then, back to images of the morning after they made love for the first time, when she told him she wanted him and loved him.

She abruptly woke up and sat up straight on the couch. {Jax loves you, Brenda. That’s what you’re so mad about. You’re mad at yourself because you let yourself love him back. You let yourself feel again. You weren’t going to, but he broke you down.}

Because despite what she had told him that morning, Jax must love her. The way he made love to her, and the feelings that she saw in his eyes when he looked at her, even from the beginning, were too deep to pretend. If he was only ACTING like he loved her to try to relieve his guilt, then he deserved all the acting awards that Hollywood gave, and then some. And the way he treated Anthony only reinforced that feeling that he loved them both beyond limits.

Brenda began to breathe hard in the realization of the mistake she had made. If it really was love, why was she running so hard? Had she slammed the door on the only other love she might ever feel in her lifetime? In her quest not to lose again, had she done just that and lost Jax, too?

She looked around the apartment and seeing her purse, she opened it with shaking hands to grab her car keys. She hoped that Lois would figure out that she finally had come to her senses. She didn’t want to take the chance that in the extra time it took to write Lois a note, she might lose the only man she would ever love in her lifetime.

Meanwhile, Lois lay in the bed with Anthony, watching his tiny chest rise and fall in sleep. She heard the front door of her apartment slam shut, and she smiled. {Give that girl an A+. She finally figured it out.} She reached over and turned out the nightstand lamp and fell asleep still smiling.

*~*~*~*

Brenda drove carefully through the list mist that had begun to fall. Autumn had finally begun to arrive in Port Charles, and the chill seeped into the car, prompting Brenda to turn on the heater. When she finally arrived back at the house, she was dismayed to see it was dark. {Please, God – Please let him still be here.} She went around to the back and heaved a sigh of relief when she saw his Jag parked in the garage.

She let herself in the back door and went quickly to the living room. It was empty. She made her way to the master bedroom, and found him sitting on the floor in the near darkness, his back against the bed. The door was slightly ajar, so she pushed it open and he immediately turned to see her standing in the doorway.

Jax almost thought he was seeing a ghost. "Brenda?" he asked quietly. "Is that you?"

She nodded silently and came over to where he sat on the floor. "I thought you were staying at Lois’s tonight," he said in a panic. "Are you OK? Is something wrong with Anthony?"

{There’s nothing wrong with me that won’t be cured as long as you still love me.} She saw that he had just a nightstand lamp on, but had built a fire in the fireplace. She almost smiled – they had spoken so many times during the past few days about how they would christen the fireplace in their bedroom. And now, he had done it, and she wasn’t there to share it with him.

Panic still filled his heart, but as he began to see the expression on her face, he relaxed a little. She crouched down next to him on the floor, but still no words were spoken between the two. She saw he had a small tin box next to him on the floor, and then in the box, she saw them – her letters to Louie. He had been reading them again.

She looked up at Jax, and she could see the tracks that his tears had made on his face. She was going to reach up to trace on of those tracks with her finger when he reached into the box and pulled out a small box. It was a dark blue satin, and he wordlessly handed it to her. "What is this?" she asked, staring into his blue eyes that reflected the flames in the fireplace.

"It’s something that the Air Force gave me after I was wounded in the bombing. It’s called the Meritorious Service Award." She opened it slowly and saw the medal suspended from the blue and white ribbon. She looked back up into his eyes that had started to well with tears. "I want Anthony to have it. His father deserved it more than I did." His voice broke and he looked down at the box again.

It broke Brenda’s heart all over again to see him in this much pain. "Are those my letters?" she asked him in a low voice, and when Jax nodded yes, Brenda reached out and took them out of the box. She saw how dog-eared they were – obviously Jax wasn’t exaggerating when he said he had read them every day during his stay in the hospital. She fingered them slowly, and then, looking deeply into his eyes, she took them and threw them into the fireplace.

"BRENDA! NO!" Jax yelped, and he quickly jumped forward to try to rescue them from the flames. But it was too late. They were already singed at the edges, and the old paper burned quickly in the fire. Jax watched as all of her innermost thoughts went up in flames, and he turned back to her with more tears in his eyes.

He opened his mouth to speak, but she knelt in front of him and put her fingers to his lips. "You don’t need them Jax." He looked at her, and for the first time in hours, he almost began to hope again. She smiled slowly, and his heart soared.

"I don’t?"

She shook her head and caressed the side of his face with her hand. "They’re just paper and ink. Why should you keep those letters when you’ve got me instead?" His chest began to heave and he began to wonder how God could be so good to him twice in his lifetime – first when he survived the bombing, and now this.

Brenda continued to hold him spellbound. "You don’t need to love the woman who wrote those letters to Louie." She took a deep breath. "I just want you to love me."

He raised a trembling hand to tangle in her hair and pull her closer. She moved towards him and lay her hands on his chest. "Jax," she whispered, and then leaned in to kiss him and send his mind reeling. Her soft, small tongue traced his lips and he groaned and pulled her even closer, burying his hands in her hair and sinking his tongue deeply into her mouth.

She broke the kiss and was breathing hard. "So…are you gonna just sit there and read some old, musty letters, or are you gonna make love to me?" She smiled at him, and his hands moved to the front of her blouse, tearing it open and scattering buttons across the room. He pulled her down to the floor with him, and as their bodies united in front of the fireplace, she got the answer to her question.

*******

"So, Anthony is staying the night with Lois?" Jax asked as they lay in bed.

"Mm-hmm," Brenda answered dreamily. She giggled. "Lois is probably reading him all the naughty articles from Playgirl even as we speak."

It was Jax’s turn to laugh. "Lois buys Playgirl and reads the ARTICLES? You mean she doesn’t look at those beefcake pictures they put inside?"

Brenda slapped him playfully. "Hey! Not all those pictures are bad, you know!" She started to caress his chest lovingly, and then she looked up at him with eyes that started to brim with tears. "Jax, I said some hateful things to you today." She traced the scar on his chest lovingly and then kissed it. "The things I said about your scars – I don’t know how you’ll ever forgive me. I was just so angry and scared."

"Wellll…." he began devilishly, "if you keep kissing every inch of my scars that way, I think I’ll find it very hard to remember anything at all!" He leaned down to kiss her tenderly, and then looked deeply into her soft brown eyes. "But I don’t understand why you would have been scared this morning."

Brenda looked at him and caressed his face gently. "I had only loved once in my life. I loved Louie with everything I had, and he was taken from me. Lois helped me understand that I was afraid to love you – I was afraid that if I ever loved anyone that much again, I would lose them, too."

Jax smiled in understanding. "You never have to worry about that, Brenda. You’ll never lose me."

She looked up at him with all the love that was in her heart. "I love you, Jax. I love you with all my heart and soul. Promise you’ll never leave me."

Jax smiled and traced her face with his finger. "I’ll never leave you, Brenda. Nobody leaves."

"Nobody leaves," she sighed in return, and he rolled her over into the soft mattress to share her love.