"JAAAAAAAXXXXXX!!!!!"

Jax flung open the door to Brenda’s room. But the dream was so engrossing that Brenda didn’t even realize he had come to her. She just kept rocking back and forth on the bed. As he stood framed in the doorway to her room he could see the moonlight glinting off the tears in her eyes. When she screamed his name again, the hairs on the back of his neck stood straight up.

"JAAAAXXXX! Don’t leave me!!!"

Jax rushed to her bed, leaving the door open. "Brenda!" he crooned, trying to take her into his arms. "It’s me -- Jax! You’re just having another bad dream!"

But this time, all of Brenda’s desperation and feelings of failure at winning his heart came bubbling to the surface. She pulled away from him, swatting blindly at him with her hands. "Leave me alone!!!" She broke down on the bed, leaned forward and sobbed even harder. "I can’t do this! God, why can’t You understand that I just can’t do this!"

Jax frowned in confusion. He tried to take her in his arms again. "Brenda, *what* can’t you do? You’re dreaming -- it’s me, Jax!"

She pulled out of his embrace again but looked at Jax with wild, tear-filled eyes. "Jax?"

He finally smiled at her, trying to pull her into his arms again. "Yes, it’s Jax. I’m here and everything is going to be fine."

But suddenly she pulled away from him again and sobbed harder, pressing her fists to her mouth. "No, it’s NOT going to be fine! Nothing’s ever going to be fine again!" She moved towards the bottom of the bed, rocking back and forth and crying louder than before. "She won’t believe me -- I told Her that I couldn’t do this, but She won’t let me go back!" Jax tried to inch closer to Brenda on the bed, putting a hand out to her, but Brenda just kept rocking and crying. "I can’t do this anymore!" she whimpered. "I just want to go back to my own room and my own bed!"

Jax was becoming really frightened by Brenda’s lack of response to his presence. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Robin appear in the doorway of the room, looking as concerned as he was. He finally managed to take Brenda into his arms and pulled her to the top of the bed with him again. "You *are* in your own bed, sweetheart. I’m here and nothing can hurt you."

Brenda was mumbling as she finally rested her head against Jax’s chest. Sobs still racked her body. "I tried -- I really tried, but I just can’t get through to you. You’ll just never believe me. You won’t give me a chance. Why can’t She understand that and just let me go back?"

Guilt was written all over Jax’s face, and when he glanced at Robin, he could see she commiserated with Brenda. "I’m sorry, sweetie," Jax crooned, "I’ll give you a chance...."

Brenda shook her head vehemently and punched her fist against Jax’s chest softly. "I don’t want a chance anymore. I just.... I want to go home. I want .....I www….want Princess. I mm….miss Princess."

Robin had been approaching the bed quietly as Brenda kept stuttering. When Jax turned questioning eyes to her, Robin motioned that he should keep her talking. "Princess? Who’s Princess?"

Brenda finally seemed more peaceful, her eyes still shut, her hair tumbling across Jax’s chest as she settled against him. "Princess is my …..my ddd…dog.....she’s a ccc…..cockapoo. She’s got black fur, and she’s soooo pretty, and ssss…soft......" Brenda’s face started to contort with tears again. "She used to sleep by my bed, and I could reach out and touch her. "Now she’s ggg…gone......everything’s just.....gone....."

Jax raised his eyes to Robin’s. "I’ve never seen her this upset before," he said softly, stroking her hair and trying to keep her calm. "What should we do? Is there some kind of sedative you should give her?"

Robin immediately shook her head. "No. I can’t give her anything while she’s nursing Jon. It would come through in her milk."

At the sound of Robin’s voice, something seemed to register in Brenda’s consciousness and she looked at Jax and Robin with wide eyes. "What......?" She saw Jax in his black silk pajama bottoms, lying next to her in the bed, and Robin standing in her robe by the bed. "Oh, my GGG….God...." Brenda keened, tears starting anew. "What did I do?"

Jax held her tighter, still petting her hair. "You had an awful nightmare, love. You didn’t seem to be able to wake up."

She started breathing harder again and the sobs got louder. "Oh, JJJ….Jax....Oh, I’m ssss…so sorry...." She looked at Robin in a panic. "Did I www…wake up Jon?"

"No!" Robin tried to pat Brenda’s hand for reassurance, but she could feel Brenda trembling like a leaf when she did. "Brenda….Jon’s fine. He’s sleeping in my room for tonight." She held Brenda’s hands and kept direct eye contact with the distraught woman. "Remember? I told you I would take care of him while you and Jax went to the ballet?"

"The ballet?" Brenda’s lip began to quiver again and she turned embarrassed eyes on Jax. "Oh, Jax…..I’m so sss….sorry I woke you!" She started to cry again. "I just can’t seem to do anything right!! I’m ggg….going to lose you all!!"

Jax gathered Brenda tightly in his arms. He glanced at Robin quickly, and she nodded her approval at his tactic. "No, you’re not, Brenda. You’re not going to lose anybody." He reached down to pull the sheet up over her legs, burrowing his own beneath the light cover next to hers. "Come on, now. I’m going to stay here with you until you go to sleep. I’m not going anywhere."

Brenda’s tear-filled eyes grew wider. "Oh, JJJ….Jax! I don’t want….You don’t have to sss….stay with me! Then you won’t sleep and you’ve probably got mmmm….mmeetings tomorrow and I’ll be fff....fine.....really!"

Jax settled his back against the headboard of the bed, pulling Brenda down gently with him, never letting her out of his arms. "No, my morning is completely clear tomorrow, love." He continued to stroke her hair, giving Robin another questioning glance. She returned a thumb’s up, so he continued speaking softly to her, trying to soothe her. "You might as well stop trying to change my mind, Brenda. I won’t leave you."

The exhaustion of the late hour and the aftermath of her hysteria finally caught up with Brenda. She allowed herself to be cuddled next to Jax, her head resting on his chest, his right arm around her as she wound her own right arm around his waist. Robin started to back out of the bedroom, nodding towards Jax as she did.

Brenda’s eyes were closed and she was fading towards sleep, but Jax could still feel tremors running through her body every few minutes. He would wrap his arms around her more tightly and stroke her hair, trying to give her a sense of security. "I’m here, love. Those dreams won’t come back again. I’ve got you and I won’t let you go."

Robin could see Brenda snuggle closer to Jax as he kept repeating the words. As she finally closed the door behind her to go back to her own room, she smiled a little. Maybe nightmares weren’t such a bad thing after all. Maybe they were just what these two stubborn, wounded souls needed to bring them together.

*~*~*~*

Jax could tell the moment that Brenda went back to sleep. He felt her body relax against him, the tension finally gone from her arms. Her breathing slowed, but Jax realized that with her head resting where it was, every time she exhaled, she puffed softly on his left nipple. He had come so quickly when he heard her screaming, he didn’t bother to grab his robe or slippers and now his bare chest was serving as her pillow.

He leaned back against the bed’s headboard, staring up at the ceiling. {Princess? Who the bloody h*ll is Princess? I was married to her for three years, and she never mentioned having dogs – not even when she was a kid. I know things were bad between us at the end, but surely she would have mentioned them in the beginning – when we used to spend hours just talking about everything and nothing at all – wouldn’t she?} Brenda suddenly shivered a little in her sleep, causing Jax to glance down at the top of her head. He raised his left hand to tentatively stroke her hair again, trying to settle her. The action seemed to work – but as Jax felt her snuggle more tightly against him, his mind started racing again.

{She’s so soft – so vulnerable. She doesn’t seem at all like the Brenda that I knew six weeks ago.} His deliberations were interrupted when Brenda must have started having flashbacks to the dream again. She started to whimper softly, and as he looked down at her, Jax could see her eyes moving rapidly behind her eyelids. Jax jumped a little when he felt her right hand clutch at his bare side, and she mumbled his name against his chest. "Jax……don’t……can’t lose you….."

Jax stroked her hair again and slid down in the bed until his back rested flat against the mattress. "I’m here, Brenda," he whispered. {Although feeling you against me like this I probably won’t sleep for the rest of the night.} She nodded her head against his chest, hugging him tighter. "I won’t leave you….."

Finally, even Jax’s mental gymnastics weren’t enough to keep him awake. He surrendered to the late hour and fell asleep with Brenda still wrapped in his arms.

*~*~*~*

Ever since her "re-birth," waking up was always a shock for Brenda. She would expect to open her eyes and see her old bedroom in a rustic cottage on the outskirts of Port Charles. Instead, most mornings, she would open her eyes to warm California sunshine coming through windows with opulent fabric treatments. She would have to remind herself about being Brenda Jacks – that this was "her" room, and "her" life.

When Brenda opened her eyes the morning following the date to the ballet, she had more than the usual amount of shocks to her senses. She was lying on her right side, facing the window – her usual position when she woke. But there was another body in the bed – a warm, firm, very *male* body in the bed with her. He was lying on his right side, spooning her body with his. His left arm was flung over her waist protectively, wrapping completely around her body. His head was almost nestled on her shoulder, and she could feel his breath stirring the hairs at the nape of her neck. And – the most crucial shock of all – his left hand was possessively cupping her right breast.

{Now, Brenda….don’t overreact like some Victorian prude! After all, the man’s your….well, *her*……no, he’s *your* husband! And besides, you’ve got your nightshirt on, and he’s just asleep – he doesn’t really know what he’s doing….} Brenda chewed on her lower lip as she tried to glance backward over her left shoulder to confirm that Jax was sleeping. She couldn’t see very well, but from the relaxed feel of his body and the way his chest pressed against her back in an even, steady rhythm, she was pretty sure that she was correct.

{So, you should just gently wake him, or try to slip out of bed…..that’s it – slip out of his arms before this goes beyond the point…} Just as Brenda decided on the most rational, reasonable course of action, Jax’s fingers tightened around her breast involuntarily in his sleep. Brenda tried to stifle the gasp that escaped her lips.

{Oh….God….that feels sooo good…..but he’s just asleep. It doesn’t mean that he wants to….to….} Even though Brenda’s nightshirt provided a thin barrier between Jax’s hand and her breast, she could feel every movement that he made. Unfortunately, nursing Jon had made her breasts more sensitive than ever.

She was about to try an encore of the "slipping-out-of-bed-before-he-wakes-up" trick when she felt Jax’s hand move again. This time, it wasn’t just muscle spasms as she felt his long, lean index finger slide up from the bottom of her breast, seeking her rapidly hardening nipple. As Brenda lay there, feeling her body respond in other ways to the desire that he was inspiring, her eyes suddenly shot open when she felt that other parts of Jax weren’t asleep anymore.

{You should stop this right now. You should just roll over on your back, put your hand on his shoulder, and shake him until he wakes up. That’s exactly what you should doooooo…..ohh….goshhhhhh......} Brenda closed her eyes and swallowed her full-fledged moan as Jax began to circle his finger around the center of her breast. Her legs opened and closed restlessly beneath the covers as she felt the heat shoot down her body to a place deep inside.

{OK – that’s enough. This definitely is NOT a good idea. Roll over right NOW, Brenda, and wake him up.} Brenda opened her eyes, her resolve strong, and she actually did try to push her left shoulder against his, attempting to end the sensual torture. But just as she thought she actually felt his body move, she froze. Jax’s hand fell away from her breast. His arm wrapped more tightly around her waist, and she heard him sigh softly as he nestled his head against the back of her neck.

{He’s faking. He’s awake. I can FEEL that part of him is awake.} But then she felt his even, slow breathing again, and Brenda knew he had only shifted position and was still sound asleep. {Well, his hand isn’t *there* anymore. Maybe I can just go back to sle…..} Brenda gasped aloud as his hand began started to move again, but this time it didn’t move up to her breast.

Jax’s left hand took a new course – south. Brenda’s head dropped forward towards her chest as she felt his hand begin to clutch at her nightshirt, moving the hemline higher on her thighs. {He wouldn’t……he……if he touches me there, I won’t be able to …….} When Brenda felt the bottom of her nightshirt inch past her hips, she knew she couldn’t wait much longer. She had to roll over and wake Jax before he.....

Brenda inhaled sharply, arching her back, pressing her bottom against the evidence of Jax’s arousal as his hand slipped beneath her nightshirt. She bit her lower lip as she felt his fingers dip to the waistline of her panties. Jax’s fingers nearly drove her mad, slipping gently inside the elastic but no farther. He followed the elastic across her stomach, from one hip to the other, his fingers touching her softly, until she was aching for them to move further down and touch her *there*.

Brenda’s breathing was rapidly accelerating now. {If this is what it’s like when he’s not awake.......God......what must he be like when he’s........when he’s .......}. Jax’s fingers found her navel, and then she felt his whole hand slip inside her panties. When his fingers moved even closer to that place that was weeping for his attentions, Brenda couldn’t help herself anymore and she moaned his name aloud. "Oh.......Jaxxxxx......"

She felt his hand freeze in place and Jax’s whole body tensed as he was catapulted out of sleep. Brenda wasn’t quite sure how the conscious and alert Jax would feel about what had been happening during the past fifteen minutes. He didn’t move a muscle, but when she finally rolled to her back and stared into his eyes, Brenda couldn’t conceal the desire he saw there. They were both still breathing hard, and while Jax didn’t move his hand, he didn’t *re-move* it, either.

Brenda reached her hand up to gently cup the side of his face, but before she could touch him, Jax let out an anguished groan. "Oh....God.....Brenda......." He closed his eyes, removed his hand to cover his eyes, and rolled to his back. "Oh.....God.....I must have been dreaming....." He finally opened his eyes to find hers still full of unfulfilled longing. "I’m....I was dreaming about us, and I didn’t realize....."

"Jax!" Brenda finally interrupted his embarrassed confession. She swallowed and then reached for his wrist, pulling his hand back towards her. "It doesn’t have to just be a dream."

Jax’s eyes widened, but she could see that he was fighting the desire with all of his might. "Please don’t look at me like that, Brenda."

"Like what?" Her words came out on breathy pants.

"Like you want me to make love to you." He pulled his hand away, rolling to his back and then over to a sitting position on the side of the bed. He faced away from her and Brenda suddenly felt very much alone.

She reached out to touch his arm. "But I *do* want you to make love to me, Jax." His pained eyes met hers as he looked back at her over his shoulder. She saw the glint of tears. "And I think you want me, too."

"Wanting you was never the problem, Brenda. No matter how many times you hurt me, I was always enough of an idiot to still want you."

"But I’m not going to hurt you anymore, Jax. I told you before -- I’m not that other Brenda anymore. Why won’t you just give me a chance?"

Suddenly Jax swiped at the tears angrily and rose from the bed. "A chance to do what? Lie to me again? Like you did last night?"

"Last night? When did I lie to you last night?" Tears sprang to Brenda’s eyes but she wiped them away quickly. The night before had been so wonderful -- how could he say that it was a lie?

"About the planetarium? You said it had been two years since you were there, but the Pacifica Planetarium wasn’t even *built* until 13 months ago." Brenda’s head drooped forward and hot tears threatened to roll down her cheeks. She mentally cursed herself for trying to improvise something that could easily be verified. When she looked up again, Jax had walked to the door and opened it.

"Jax.....wait."

Brenda rubbed at her eyes, but Jax refused to give her a chance. "Brenda, I won’t deny that I want you." His voice dropped to a husky whisper. "It’s pretty obvious that there’s nothing I would like to do more right now than come back to that bed and feel you beneath me while I bury myself deep inside you. But even if we still have a great relationship in bed, it won’t solve our problems *outside* the bedroom." He stared down at the floor, his hand on the doorknob. "A relationship is nothing without trust, Brenda, and you proved to me again last night that I can’t trust you. First there was the planetarium, and then you were crying about some dog I never even knew you had......." He sighed. "Sex will only make things more confusing again, Brenda. It’s better that we both stopped when we did."

Brenda’s anguish suddenly turned to anger, and her eyes blazed with fire. When she exploded at him, it made Jax turn back to face her. "Fine, Jax! Walk out that door! Be Mr. Oh-so-perfect Jasper Jacks! Believe that I lied to you!" She leaned forward in the bed, pointing her finger at him as her voice dropped. "But you can’t deny the fact that you’re just as big a liar as I am." Jax’s eyes widened. "You’re just lying to yourself, buster. You want me, and you still love me, but the truth is you’re afraid to do anything about it. And I’m just stubborn enough to not let you get away with it."

She rose from the bed, walking towards the door where he stood transfixed. "I love you, Jax. I want you back, and I think you want me, too. You’re lying to yourself if you think you don’t care anymore."

Something flared in Jax’s eyes momentarily as Brenda’s words sank in, but then he just looked down at the floor. "I’m going to take a shower. Jon probably wants his breakfast." He closed the door behind him, but then stood in the hallway leaning against it for a long time. So long that he heard Brenda’s sobs as she collapsed on the bed and cried herself back to sleep.

*~*~*~*

Shortly after lunch, Brenda was walking slowly past the door to the study when she heard low voices inside. She tried to continue walking, but her curiosity got the better of her and she placed her ear against the door. Just as she was about to give up her career as Nancy Drew, Jax opened the door and she fell into the arms of Stefan Cassidine.

"Good God, man, have I told you how much I like your new and improved wife!" Stefan laughed heartily as he steadied Brenda on her feet again. She blushed a little, pushing her hair behind her ears self-consciously.

"I’m sorry -- I didn’t mean to interrupt." Her smile faded when she saw Jax dressed in one of his Armani business suits, his briefcase in hand. "Going somewhere?" she asked innocently.

Jax nodded, and then extended a hand towards the door. "You saved me a trip upstairs -- I was just about to come see you and explain."

Brenda raised an eyebrow, clasping her hands behind her. The three of them left the study, ambling slowly down the hallway. "Stefan came over to alert me to a potential crisis – the bond rating for a banking consortium we deal with in Gstaad is dropping like a rock. It’s entirely possible that they won’t stay solvent much longer."

"So you have to go there to deal with it?"

Jax sighed. "Ned Ashton’s got Jerry tied up checking into that docks deal on the East Coast, and dad’s handling a potential machinists’ strike overseas. I’m afraid there’s nobody else who can handle it, Brenda." He smiled grimly. "The good news is that I’ll be back by the weekend."

"And in the meantime, dear lady," Stefan drawled, catching her hand, "I have volunteered to help you survive your husband’s absence by inviting you to dinner tonight."

"Oh, Stefan....." Brenda grimaced sweetly, pushing her hair behind her ears again. "I’m not so sure that would be such a good idea."

He leaned towards her with a naughty wink. "You needn’t fear for your virtue, Brenda. This randy husband of yours has already warned me of the dire punishment that will befall me if I behave as anything less than a perfect gentleman."

"And I’m sure you would," Brenda countered, "but it’s just that Jax and I went out for dinner last night, and I hate to keep leaving Jon home with Robin at night."

As Jax placed his airline tickets and wallet in his coat pocket, he came up behind Brenda. "But that’s the beauty of Stefan’s offer, Brenda. He didn’t mean that you would go out to a restaurant. Dinner would be at his house. Since Jerry is tied up right now, Stefan already called Lois and Brooke and they’ve accepted his invitation. You could bring Jon along."

"And his nanny," Stefan added. "After all, it’s about time that the heir to the Jacks dynasty met the man who can turn his father into mere cow dung on a tennis court."

Jax shook his head and laughed loudly. "That’s what I love about you, Stefan. When you say it, even cow dung sounds dignified and respectable!"

Brenda smiled as Stefan took her hand and kissed the back of it. "I’ll speak to Robin and convey your invitation. Can I call you a little later and let you know for sure?"

Stefan went to the front door, bowing as he left. "I shall sit by the telephone in rapt anticipation of your call, dear lady." Jax waved at Stefan as the door closed, but when Brenda turned back to him, she wasn’t quite prepared for the serious look on his face.

"Brenda, I’m really sorry about having to leave like this," he started, but Brenda waved a hand at him.

"Don’t worry about it. I understand. Business is business, and you can’t afford to let something like this slip past and cost you a fortune." She clasped her hands in front of her, staring down nervously.

"That’s not quite what I meant." Jax looked down at his brightly polished shoes, embarrassment flagging his cheeks. "I...uh....I wanted to ......well.....I didn’t want to leave without apologizing for how I handled things this morning." Brenda took a breath but Jax put his open hand up to her in a "stop" gesture. "No, it wasn’t OK." He raised gentle, soft eyes to meet hers. "You had that horrible nightmare last night, and then I acted like it was *your* fault that we almost…..that we nearly......when it was *me* that got carried away......"

Brenda finally lay her fingers across Jax’s lips. "I understand. Apology accepted." She swallowed hard as he nodded once quickly. She raised her eyes, but this time they didn’t get any farther than his lips. Brenda realized that Jax was staring at her lips, too, and both sets of lips moved closer and closer. She sighed his name as his lips finally touched hers, experimentally stroking and searching, getting re-acquainted with old familiar pleasure points. Like someone coming back home after being gone on a long vacation, or visiting the "old neighborhood" after they’ve been away since childhood.

Brenda’s eyes popped open when Jax pulled away after only a few seconds, but when she saw the heat in his eyes, she knew she hadn’t been wrong that morning. He *did* still want her, and down deep, he *did* still love her. He set his briefcase down deliberately on the floor in the hallway, putting his hands on her waist and pulling her closer. Brenda put her hands on his chest, sliding them up towards his neck as he lowered his head to kiss her again. But just as his lips touched hers, they heard a cab, honking its horn in the driveway.

Neither one moved, their lips only inches apart. "That’s me," he whispered hoarsely. He looked deeply into her eyes, as though he could see the truth if only he looked hard enough. Finally, when the horn honked again, he sighed. "I’ve gotta go." He ran a finger down the side of her arm. "I’ll call you later tonight for a full report on dinner at Stefan’s."

Brenda began to tear up again as she realized that she *was* making progress. "I’ll be waiting," she called softly, returning the brilliant smile that he gave her as he went out the door. She sighed aloud and was about to go back up the stairs when she heard the phone ring. She glanced around once, but since Charles didn’t seem to be anywhere in sight and the phone continued to ring, she shrugged and went to the hall table to answer it. "Brenda Jacks speaking."

"Querida, I am so sorry that I have not been able to speak to you since your son’s christening....."

Brenda’s face paled and she turned back to the front door. It was still closed, and she heard the sound of the cab pulling away from the curb. Growing angrier by the second, she turned away from the door, facing the wall and cupping the receiver so that she couldn’t be overheard. "Are you CRAZY??? Calling here -- after what happened at the christening??"

Miguel chuckled softly. "I have my sources, mi amor. I know that your husband just left for a business trip. You are quite alone, si?"

Brenda gripped the phone tightly. "What do you want, Miguel? I thought I was quite clear the night of the christening. I don’t want to have anything to do with you."

"Ahhh, but you *do* have something to do with me, Brenda," he hissed. "You have about 15 million somethings to do with me."

Brenda glanced around to make sure none of the staff was nearby. "You mean the Martinique." It was a statement, not a question.

"Precisely." She could hear Miguel breathing more quickly. "My contacts in South America are growing impatient, querida. They have the money for us, and they want their merchandise -- NOW."

"I told you, I don’t know where the thing is, Miguel. I have amnesia." Visions of her nightmare flooded back before Brenda’s anguished eyes.

"Then you had better *lose* your amnesia, Brenda." His voice dripped with venom. "My buyers are not patient men, and I would not wish to have to face their disappointment alone."

Brenda’s hand that held the phone started to tremble. "Miguel.....I don’t know what you want me to do....."

"Find it, Brenda." His tone was clipped and cold. "Then we can begin our future together."

Brenda inhaled to try to explain it to Miguel again, but the dial tone buzzed in her ear as he hung up on her. She hung up the receiver and walked swiftly to the study, closing the doors behind her. She knew that it was probably one of the few rooms in the house where she could be alone to think.

Pacing around the floor nervously, she started to talk to herself. "You’ve got to find that stinking sapphire, Brenda." She stopped short, excitement lighting her eyes as she raised a finger in the air to make a point. "You can find it and just get it back to Stefan somehow, and then Miguel won’t be able to bother you about it anymore!" She nodded, continuing to pace in circles. Stopping again, she broke into a large smile. "And that works out *perfectly*, because the key to winning Jax’s heart is getting him to trust you! And if you get rid of this stone and tell Miguel to take a hike, he won’t have any reasons *not* to trust you anymore!"

She flopped into a large chair, pleased with her plan, but then her face drooped. "But how do you expect to find it? Where would "she" have hidden it?" She looked around the huge room. "You have no idea where to start......."

Suddenly, she sat up straight, pounding her fist into her open palm excitedly. "That’s where you should start.......where you should always just start.....at the beginning!" Chewing on her nails nervously, she thought for a minute and then jumped up and rushed over to the desk. She picked up the phone, consulting a list next to the console, and punched in some numbers.

Brenda smiled brightly into the telephone. "Hello, Stefan? What time did you say dinner was tonight?"

To be continued.......